Liz, Nicole's mother-in-law, has always disapproved Nicole as her son's wife. Colin, Nicole's husband, tried everything to improve the relationship between the two most important women in his life. He tried to convince his mother that Nicole was a good wife. He tried to assure Nicole that his mother was a good person. He felt as if he was a battlefield on which two women waged a war... more

Liz, Nicole's mother-in-law, has always disapproved Nicole as her son's wife. Colin, Nicole's husband, tried everything to improve the relationship between the two most important women in his life. He tried to convince his mother that Nicole was a good wife. He tried to assure Nicole that his mother was a good person. He felt as if he was a battlefield on which two women waged a war. Analizing one of his recent arguments with Liz we saw a possibility that she was very much afraid to be abandoned by her son, the only person to whom she was really close. Her words and actions were consistent with that. We agreed that Colin needed to address this fear and convince Liz that Nicole can be seen as a daughter rather than a threat. It took some effort to put this message into tactful and convincing words and actions. And it worked. Now, when Colin and Nicole had their first baby, Liz has been the most helpful and caring grandmother. Colin even complains that his own mother would join forces with his wife at a slightest sign of an argument. This, however, does not make him unhappy.
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Ronald, a highly successful defense lawyer, lost hope that his son Jon, 17, would ever have a decent life. Jon appeared to be irresponsible, have no purpose in life and could not care less about the future. He would forget to prepare for an important exam, he would never do his homework if he did not feel like it, and his performance in school was poor. In Ronald's opinion, Jon... more

Ronald, a highly successful defense lawyer, lost hope that his son Jon, 17, would ever have a decent life. Jon appeared to be irresponsible, have no purpose in life and could not care less about the future. He would forget to prepare for an important exam, he would never do his homework if he did not feel like it, and his performance in school was poor. In Ronald's opinion, Jon would never graduate from high school, not to mention college. And all this not for the lack of intellect: in elementary school Jon was admitted to a program for gifted and talented children. Ronald and his wife Mary tried everything they could think of to help him change, they even sent him for a year to a boarding school for children with behavioral problems. Together with Ronald and Mary, we traced back Jon's steps and realized that no matter how late he was, how much he missed, and how hopeless his situation looked, somehow at the last moment a miracle would happened and a looming disaster would not materialize. The pattern was so strong that the parents were shocked they did not see it before. Their son apparently knew exactly what he was doing. By his behavior, he sent very strong messages to his controlling parents. There was an elaborated pattern of undelivered messages that made everybody in the family feel unhappy, and the four of us worked hard to make sure the messages were eventually delivered and accepted. Things are different now. Jon is in college, gets good grades and has a good reputation. Ronald and Mary are very proud of him.
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Kathy is a mother of two elementary school boys. Recently, she decided to homeschool them. Her husband was initially reluctant, but eventually got along, whereas Kathy's father Isaak was devastated and even threatened to report Kathy to the child protection agency for child neglect. He plainly refused... more

Kathy is a mother of two elementary school boys. Recently, she decided to homeschool them. Her husband was initially reluctant, but eventually got along, whereas Kathy's father Isaak was devastated and even threatened to report Kathy to the child protection agency for child neglect. He plainly refused to listen, read about, or meet with other homeschooling families. Every conversation with him ended up in a confrontation, so Kathy practically stopped talking to him at all. She was very unhappy with the situation and wanted to know if there was a way to convince Isaak she was not harming her children. Detailed analysis of Isaak's words and his reactions on what Kathy tried to tell him reviled the following message: The more you, Kathy, devote yourself to your children, the more guilty I feel that I relied on strangers rather than being with you when you were a child. Kathy talked with her father and addressed this message, telling him sincerely how grateful she was for a great job he and Mom did raising her up and that they always chose the best available options for her. Then she added that the times changed, that today there is a viable alternative in homeschooling, and that the results are by no means disappointing. For the first time, Isaak did not interrupt her. When she finished, he said reluctantly: Well, after all, if we see it does not work, they can always go back to school, can't they?
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Emily, a mother of three, had a very close and loving relationship with her husband Jeff. However, having encountered some difficulties of legal nature caused by a mistake she accidentally made, she decided not to tell him because, as she said, she wanted to protect his feelings. The truth had eventually surfaced and ... more

Emily, a mother of three, had a very close and loving relationship with her husband Jeff. However, having encountered some difficulties of legal nature caused by a mistake she accidentally made, she decided not to tell him because, as she said, she wanted to protect his feelings. The truth had eventually surfaced and Jeff got upset and angry to such a degree that the marriage was in danger. A friend recommended Emily to see me, and together we analyzed her and Jeff's words and actions in the context of their relationship and unique personalities. It became apparent that Jeff was hurt mainly not because his wife inadvertently broke the law and not even because she lied to him. What hurt him most was that Emily deprived him, a strong and resourceful man, a guardian and defender, from protecting her when she needed it. Behind his accusations, angry outbursts, threats to leave the family and other punishing behavior, a simple message was hidden: I do not want you to hurt me like that again. It was necessary to let him know that the message was delivered and accepted. WE agreed that Emily will tell Jeff: "I am sorry for what happened. If I had to choose one thing that I am most sorry for, it would be that I did not let you be there for me while I was suffering." Jeff's reaction astonished her. With tears, he hugged her and held her silently for a long time. Miraculously, anger was gone, and loving and caring Jeff was back. Together, they went through their legal ordeal, and their marriage is now stronger than it has ever been before.
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Michael is an experienced mechanical engineer. Two years ago, he lost his job of 14 years. Since then he has been "between jobs" and almost lost hope that he would be employed again. A former co-worker referred him to me. We started with... more

Michael is an experienced mechanical engineer. Two years ago, he lost his job of 14 years. Since then he has been "between jobs" and almost lost hope that he would be employed again. A former co-worker referred him to me. We started with revising his resume, which was sending quite a few mixed messages. It showed that Michael was highly skillful in many areas. At the same time, it remained unclear what exactly this person could and wanted to do. It took us four sessions to establish the exact statement Michael wanted to make about himself, and two more sessions to find an effective way to express this statement, both orally and in writing. After that, his resume was re-written. Three days later, he was invited to his first interview, and two weeks later he was choosing between two job offers.
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Lucy was complaining that her five-year-old son, Dan, did not know what he wanted. He said he wanted to dance, and she immediately suggested checking out a nearby dance school, then he suddenly said he did not want to go to dancing school. When she asked him why... more

Lucy was complaining that her five-year-old son, Dan, did not know what he wanted. He said he wanted to dance, and she immediately suggested checking out a nearby dance school, then he suddenly said he did not want to go to dancing school. When she asked him why, he started to cry. Another time, he said he wanted to play with children. When Lucy asked him whom of his friends he wanted to invite for a play date, he started to cry and said he wanted nobody. He was upset and she was confused and worried. During our session, we realized that Lucy and Dan put different meanings into the same words. Dan was just too small to enjoy "planning for the future". It appeared that he never meant studying dance, he just wanted to dance - right there and then, - and was very upset that mother could not understand him and just put a CD into the player. When he said he wanted to play with kids, he apparently meant the kids who at the moment were playing on a playground across the street.
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Victor, a recent immigrant and gifted software engineer, kept losing one job after another, despite his excellent command of the English language and considerable professional expertise. Our discussions have revealed that... more

Victor, a recent immigrant and gifted software engineer, kept losing one job after another, despite his excellent command of the English language and considerable professional expertise. Our discussions have revealed that his American colleagues must have considered his behavior arrogant, although it was quite normal by the standards of the country from which he came. His unqualified strong statements such as "You are 100% wrong!" or "Let me show you how to do this right!" upset his coworkers and irritated his managers. At every job, he was fired after he tried to explain to his manager "how to do this right" in the presence of other people. It took some effort to introduce him to the communication culture of the American corporate world. At the beginning, Victor was not ready to admit he was doing something wrong. His arguments simply missed the point ("What can be wrong with trying to help?"). Even though he was attentive and motivated, it took a number of sessions before he started addressing a real problem and realized that his good intentions and performance were simply irrelevant. The reality was that his words and actions were interpreted by people around him as messages that he never meant to send.
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